For a therapist, the holiday season is usually a busy time assisting clients in navigating challenging family dynamics. As family to get togethers increase during this time clients often acknowledge the stressors that accompany these events. One of the things I notice often is that clients are frequently struggling with acceptance- the acceptance that the family that they have is the family they’re stuck with can sometimes feel like a tough pill to swallow. Our resistance toward that acceptance can often make this process even harder (we’ll do more on acceptance in another blog post!)
One of the strategies I introduce to clients to move closer toward this acceptance is to acknowledge and name these dynamics prior to family gatherings and to create a game plan including coping strategies before walking into these situations
I’ve certainly had tricky relationships with family members in the past and every time I encountered these individuals at a get together I often felt blindsided by these negative interactions. I’d respond with hurt and sometimes angry reactivity. One day when I was debriefing these experiences with a trusted friend it occurred to me that it seemed so silly to expect anything but what I was getting from these individuals because that's all I had ever gotten from them. When I got to that place of recognition and acceptance I was able to create a plan for how was I going to navigate these situations moving forward instead of just hoping for change. For example instead of having any expectation that these people were going to be warm, inviting or kind to me I made the intentional decision to spend my time with some of the other people at these gatherings, to busy myself by helping the host, to hang out and spend more time with the kids or even to allow myself to briefly leave the gathering and take a walk.
So I invite you to approach your next family or social gathering in the same way. When you know what you're going to get from somebody recognize it, name it, expect it ahead of time and then engage your coping strategies or game plan once you’ve arrived. If you happen to get anything better than that acknowledge it as a pleasant surprise in this moment (and don't expect it again in the next!)
I hope you find this information helpful and as always if you find that this or other circumstances in your life are impacting your functioning and you would like support please reach out to us on our contact page to get connected with a therapist to help support you.